A year's worth of thoughts in a single post.

So, really I should be posting adorable pictures of Alice from San Francisco and Anaheim, but it has been such a strange week since we got back, that I am feeling more text-y than pic-y. I have so many thoughts crowding, here goes a late-night attempt at organization.

We threw a baby shower for Sarah and Eric yesterday, and tonite I got an email from Sarah saying Simon may be home in less than two months (travel in possibly three weeks to Vietnam), and I am blown away again by the juxtaposition of endless waiting and instant family. Sarah lost both her parents, and I feel like she is my sister, and I want to be there for her in so many ways, and I feel inadequate because LIFE gets in the way of all I want to do for her to help her and share in this exciting time.

Tonight I also was brought to tears by the blog entry of a friend who has a son who is a cancer survivor at age 3. She is such an amazing writer. I want to write to another friend Eve and ask her how to get Lori's blog published as a book, I want to advocate for Lori in the silly ways I know how by contacting Eve, a literary agent, even though I know Lori can do it herself on her own terms, in her own time if and when she is ready. She is such an amazing writer, so gifted, and a generous, thoughtful and thought provoking person. I want to DO things for her to show my love and respect. I remember when Daniel was sick and only wanted to eat Starbucks cinnamon twists, I called all over California trying to figure out how to get them delivered, and finally gave up, and then read days later when she posted about a friend who had succeeded and I felt inadequate, and so pleased at the same time that someone had succeeded.

My cell phone has been lost for almost a month now as those of you used to getting daily weekly monthly calls from me know, And I finally got a replacement, but I don't have anyone's number plugged in so haven't called anyone except my folks at my childhood home (the only number I have memorized at this point!!!). It has been so good to talk to them again finally. And there are so many numbers I need to get replaced.

Dana finally emailed me while we were on vacation wondering about my whereabouts due to lack of calls. I still haven't been able to call her, but she had horrible news. One of her best friends. Melissa, has lung cancer. And a blog, so I added her to the blog role and now lurk on Melissa's blog, checking in daily for the progress. Melissa has a daughter Dana's son's age, about 4 years old.

When I was in college in Colorado, I was a nanny for a little boy who died of brain cancer before he reached 4. I am always terrified of losing Alice. She has a little scar on her knee and a little bump on her neck, and I do plan on taking her to the doctor for reassurance. I am not a crazy hypochondriac parent, but there are moments when I look at her and my chest tightens and my eyes sting. The one compelling passage in The Corrections was the one where the woman recounts outliving her child. I am superstitious in that I hope that just writing that wards off the evil, because nothing you consider will come true--life will always, sometimes tragically, surprise you. Right, Stephanie? I know you understand.

My mother in law is also about to undergo surgery for cancer, and isn't at all concerned. When I heard I immediately said to Tom that of course he must go to her. Even though she feels it is routine, I couldn't imagine not being with my own mother in that situation. Instead, his mom didn't want him there, felt it was unnecessary because her husband is with her and he is amazing, and while she is probably right, it is so hard to not be there with her, and know Tom won't be there.

At the other end of the spectrum, my high school reunion is looming. It has been so fun to catch up with everyone on Facebook. I got a message this morning from a friend who had had a friend request from my ex-husband. He and I were high school sweethearts for the last semester of our senior year, but he had three years of friendships that didn't involve me at all (as did I!). I was so touched by her thoughtfulness in asking me if I minded if she accepted his friend request. Other people had asked me too about what happened when we divorced . . . oh so many years ago now. We were just so young! And as I get in touch with friends of my youth, I am so struck by just how young we all were. There are people I am writing to now who I had stopped talking to before high school even ended. One person I think I stopped talking to in grade school/junior high because I felt her friends from another school had been irredeemably mean to me at a slumber party. Another friend, if I remember this correctly, I think we stopped talking after she asked a boy to prom which I had a crush on that I had admitted was completely unrequited! Good grief!!! What was I thinking???

When I do think of high school and college, and now even, I think of all the things I would have liked to do, but felt I wasn't qualified. Where does that come from??? I never took art, or drama or music, because I had never done so before, and felt that it was too late. In college, more than anything I wanted to be a classics major, but had never studied Greek or Latin, and felt it was too late. I always wanted to get a PhD, but always felt it was too late. I always wanted to become fluent in other languages, but felt it was too late. What is wrong with me???? I think I have always been so focused on the future that I forget to live in the now.

Tonight after dinner we sat outside and helped Alice put rocks into the bucket, which she promptly dumped out again. I leaned my head back for a moment to watch the clouds slowly circle across the sky. I came upstairs later and made yet another list of things to do. Dentist appointments for Alice and I, almost a year in arrears. Haircut. Updating the blog. Instead, after a conversation with my mom this morning in which I wondered what Emily Post would say was the appropriate Facebook etiquette for 20 years reunions and ex-high school sweetheart/husbands, I wrote Eric (what I think was) a very nice note saying he looked good and happy, and I was glad to see it, and that whenever anyone asked I just said what I believe: we were so young. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, or whether I will hear back. So many people have emailed me that I never thought to hear from, and I have been surprised in so many ways watching this reunion grow and unfold.

Also on my todo list is trying to find Alice's birthfamily, a very different sort of reunion we hope to have someday. As we think of what house to buy, I definitely think about making sure we have enough money to take her to Guatemala so she is familiar with her country of origin. In the meantime, we have paperwork due in a few weeks for the US readoption. A formality, as she is ours ours ours. And we are hers.