Panic at the Disco

In our effort to go out as much as possible (while we still can), last night we drove to the city for dinner with our friend Susan. A fantastic sushi dinner that she treated us to to celebrate her new high-powered status as a Tenured Professor. Go Susan. I have learned to let Tom order when we go out (and giving up so much control is so not me) because he is good at finding just the right combination. Needless to say, the food and company were wonderful. We closed down not just one but TWO coffee houses (ok, you know you are getting older when you are closing down coffee houses and not bars). I am not good with caffiene, and between the Green Tea and the Hot Cholocate (Hazelnut spiced-yum) well, I woke up at 4am with a panic attack about, what else . . . when is that baby coming home???

So, there seem to be three schools of advice out there:

1. You will get the call when you least expect it. This method involves my forgetting that I am waiting. Seriously, how is this possible? The admonition here is don't think about it. And again I ask, how is that possible. I know she isn't legally ours yet, but do parents forget they have kids?

2. Just enjoy life. Uhm, I do. I do enjoy life. I enjoy my job, and seeing friends, and reading, and cooking. Ok, maybe cleaning the toilet isn't my favorite thing, but there is the satisfaction of a job well done. Hearing that I should just enjoy life is really annoying, because I am enjoying life. I am actually capable of two conflicting thoughts simultaneously: (a) life is good (b) I wish the baby were home.

I know she is fine with Ana loving and caring for her. I am also very practical, and I know that every month of delay means that it will be a more challenging transition for everyone. She has already had to give up the woman who carried her for nine months, the cadence of her walk and the echo of her voice. Soon (hopefully soon) she will have to give up the familiar smells and touch and sounds and love of the only mother she has known since birth. And it is inevitable, and sometime down the road (maybe the teenage years) we will face it in ways we could never prepare for. And then selfishly, I think, haven't we, Tom and I, waited long enough to start our family? Trying to be patient and positive, but really, can't we have a turn now. Please.

And that brings us to the third school of thought:

3. It will happen when you reach the bottom. And my life is so good. Good friends, wonderful family. I job I love. Tom, who I adore. And waiting hurts, but is this the bottom?And if not, then heavan forefend are these feelings going to get worse?